“3 Hour Tour”

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
the skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour.
a three hour tour.

Perhaps you remember the 3 hour Tour from the show Gilligans Island.   Yesterday, I had one of those “three hour tour” experiences.   The “very strong” boat was one of those leaky boats.    But never mind!   Papuan “engineers” always have a plan.    Too bad they didn’t have a Papuan pilot/engineer on the “SS Minnow”  but then again we Americans would have never fallen in love with the acting of “Gilligan” – Bob Denver.

This boat had not just One but Two 40 horse power engines.   They were Evinrude engines but locally they are called “John-sin”.   Don’t bother to correct a Papuan who doesn’t know English because he will assure you that an Evinrude is a John-sin.   Perhaps the first outboard engine boat motor they ever saw was a Johnson and the name stuck.   Almost all outboard motors are called “John-sin”. 

We were headed for a “2 hour trip” to Toto-beri to explore an area possibly favorable for new work for the Adventist church.   We started our journey 1 hour late and then I learned after the 2 hour mark that we had to go to another village perhaps “10 minutes further”.   I assumed that we were 10 minutes away.   Cool!   We’ll be there soon, I thought.  10 minutes dragged on to 3:35 minutes just to the “other” village.   As my boredom peaked to an all time high I began to notice an increased amount of sloshing water around my feet.   It was then that I became no longer bored.   I noticed leaks absolutely everywhere along one side of the boat.   I pointed to the side and waved at the assistant pilot.   “No problem” he said as he climbed toward me.   He pointed down to the floor of the dug out log that made the lower half of the boat.   I noticed something that alarmed me even more.

In the floor was a roughly hewn “plug” of sorts.   A black plastic bag was wrapped around this rough plug acting as a “water tight” gasket – not!    Water bubbled up from this plug.   The assistant pilot spoke to the chief boat pilot in a local language that I don’t understand.   Soon a machete came out and a screw driver and a used red quart size oil container and handy pliers.    The assistant pilot held the red container in one hand and with one expert hack he sliced an edge off the long side of the oil container.   Then he motioned for the pilot to give the John-sin all he could and while Mr Assistant Pilot pulled the plug out of the floor of our already very leaky boat.  

“Lord, what’s with the theme of near drowning experiences lately” I prayed.   We were at least 10 miles from the nearest section of land and this time I didn’t have a boogie board to the rescue – nor my friend Brian Stubbs, nor George the miracle timed fisher man.   But never fear, a Papuan’s toe will do.   When all else fails plug your big tow into said hole in the bottom of this leaky SS Minnow.  I wondered how long he’d have to keep his toe over the hole.  Then I noticed a similar but more worn piece of red oil container wrapped on the inside of the hole.   The assistant pilot tried to pull the old piece out but it wouldn’t come up so he pushed it down and into the ocean.   Then deftly he trimmed the new piece to the right size and pushed it down the hole.   Evidently the purpose of this Papuan Patent 00678-A was to create a suction hole out the bottom of the boat.   Similar to the way a boat creates a divot in the water that leaves a void just behind the boat that is slightly below the level of the surrounding water – so this piece of red oil container was thrust through the hole and down a little bit into the water.   But the back side of the container piece was left open so it created a tremendous vacuum effect.    This promptly drained the the leaking boat problem right out the bottom of the boat.

Who needs an expensive bilge pump when you have Papuan Patent 00678-A.

An up close view of the hole in the bottom of our boat.

Papuan Patent 00678-B – other-wise-known-as a roughly hewn square peg, some-what rounded to fit the somewhat roundish hole at the bottom of the boat.

But one has to be ready with Papuan Patent 00678-B when the boat slows down or stops.   Papuan Patent 00678-B is the roughly hewn plug used in conjunction with Papuan Patent 00678-C Other-wise known as a black plastic bag wrapped tightly around the Papuan Patent 00678-B.

So for the rest of the day, once I comprehended the genius of Papuan Patents.   I became the chief plugger and un-plugger of Papuan Patent 00678-B.  To solve the problem (still in developmental stages with Papuan Engineering Inc.) old rags were stuffed into the crack on side of boat.

At one point the crack at the top of this board was flowing water directly into our boat but our assistant pilot stuffed old rags into the crack and slowed the leak to a slow trickle.   At that point I was still praying and forgot to take a picture of the leaking.

Now if this boat were in operation in my home country and piloted by American Engineers we’d be counting fish on the bottom of the sea or have swam a very long ways.   But I’m beginning to think Papuans are my guardian Angels when it comes to bad experiences on the water.

Never once did we slow down but our “two hour” one-way-to-Toto-beri trip was in actuality 3:35 minutes to the first village and another 1:18 to Toto-beri with a 2:08 stop between.   But then again time in Papua is known as PRT – Papuan Rubber Time.   Or “Jam Karat” to be precise.